Maybe a Fig Leaf Would Help

It must be hard to find things to research if you’re an academic specializing in both Art and Psychology. Especially if you have an entire association depending on you. One might get so desperate that one might be driven to research some otherwise ridiculous, pointless, fun-to-joke-about-while-you’re-high topics in order to keep one’s funding. That’s the only rationale I can think of behind a project reported on by the CBC, that claims up to 20% of people who look at the statue of David experience symptoms of stomach pains, dizziness, hallucinations, and the urge to destroy the work depicting perfect male beauty.

The female research lead, referring to Michelangelo’s David, claims that “Men of 35 to 40 years of age … are attracted by the extraordinary masculine beauty and at the same time, are also agitated.” Perhaps this is some kind of homo-erotic insinuation; if anything, one look at David’s penis should make anybody feel more confident about their luggage: that thing’s tiny.

Regardless, David is relatively safe from harm; after all, he’s made from solid stone. That’s right, firm, smooth, uh… glistening… stone. Yep… uh, he’s hard as a rock… he’s, uh… HULK SMASH!!! AAARRGH!!!

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