Mother’s Day Run Afterthoughts

Is It Wrong to Draft Behind Cute Girls?


After the run...Lots of folks have asked me how the run went. I know this is just out of politeness, but I thought I’d wrap up what happened.

At the 1km mark, I noticed that I had run for 5:30, which would be way too slow to finish under 25 minutes. So I tried plan B: sprint for 30 seconds, then jog very slowly for 1 minute, then repeat. Plan B is also known as “a very stupid idea.” After three minutes of this nonsense, I gave up and went back to just jogging slowly.

At about the 3.5km mark, I was ready to just walk for a bit, when I was passed

Ed’s Note: The fact that he was passed isn’t the unique part. That happened a lot. Often by small children and women who appeared pregnant. And the elderly.

by a pair of cute girls with very nice butts. Their butts fell directly into my visual range, what with my head tilted pathetically toward the asphalt and all. My spirits were now buoyed, and I drafted in this fine view for the remainder of the race.

It turns out that my published race time (29:16) was the GUN race time, not my CHIP race time. My chip race time was actually 27:56, and I finished 33rd out of 176 runners in my age category. Stats like that start giving me the crazy idea that if I trained, I might be able to come first in my group. How hard could it be? Heck, I’m already in the top 20%!

Ed’s Note: See Wikipedia’s Law of Diminishing Returns.

When I crossed the finish line, I scooped up my free swag (juices, fruit, water, yogurt tubes, etc.), and headed straight for the free massage tent– it almost makes running worthwhile– but after a great 10 minute rub-down, the poor massage therapist-in-training had to wipe my sweat off the table. I forgot that your body keeps sweating after you stop running. Seems like a design flaw to me.

Then I jumped on the C-Train for the gruelling 3 minute ride home. By that time I was feeling great and wondering why I hadn’t run harder…

…well, there’s always the Breast Cancer run in the fall!

Ed’s Note: That means he’ll be hitting you up for donations again in August.

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