Blueprint of a Break Up

The mutual break up after a long relationship is a strange beast. One of you has the burden of raising the topic, of ripping away that moldy old bandaid, and the other one knows immediately, almost as the first words are out of their partner’s mouth, that This Is It, this is The Discussion. It is a relief, really. It is For The Best, really. And it is, it truly is.

But the brain, now left free from having to spend effort on how to end the relationship, will begin its post-relationship analysis, including hourly emotional updates. If you are the band-aid ripper, you will wonder why she went along with it so willingly. You will wonder why she didn’t cry, or if she did, you will wonder if it was authentic. If your band-aid was ripped, you will wonder why she chose that particular moment to bring it up. Fatigue? Could she simply no longer bear living the lie? Or did she want to troll that upcoming wedding with all the hooks, lines, and sinkers of the newly-single?

Your mind will agitate between reasons you liked her and reasons you knew it couldn’t work. During the break up, you could list all the latter, but now your mind is full of the former. You see her face again for the first time. Her voice is in your ear again like a tongue. You wish you could have stored up extra sex on those days you took a pass so that you could cash it in slowly, luxuriously, over the upcoming dry time. You romanticize the future you have lost.

Worse, your mind, not enjoying this, sets out to teach you not to repeat this experience. You are treated to images of her laughing about you with her friends. Talking you down to her new guy.

Even in a mutual break up, this is hard. It can make you doubt yourself. Doubt the world. Doubt love. But in time, the truth comes clear: she is a wonderful person, who you were lucky to have known so well. You keep her in your mind and would jump at the chance to introduce her to someone who could bring her the happiness you couldn’t. You remember what drew you to her with nostalgia, and what drove you apart with humour and compassion. You hope she feels the same way.

And then you make a list of all the shit you left at her place.