Doing it for Canada

Earlier this year, census figures showed that the population growth rate in Canada had hit an all-time low. In a shocking move, Prime Minister Jean Chretien said that “at this time I think it’s very important that our population increase, either naturally or by immigration.” He managed to come up with both of those methods all by himself, folks.

Being a great patriot (excusing my late payment to Revenue Canada in tax-year 2000), I feel compelled to help. But let’s consider the options carefully. Lord knows how much trouble those damned immigrants can be, now more than ever. I therefore would like to propose that we should be focusing on natural methods of population increase. That’s right: more fucky-fuck!

Consider Western society’s seemingly tangential increase in the number of SMOPs: Single Mothers On Purpose.

These women are sick of waiting for dad to show up, and either bed down with a friend of good breeding stock, or adopt a nice Chinese baby. In the former case, you have a love-child of a fashion, but the uncle/daddy line might get a bit blurred. In the latter case, you don’t get to experience child birth (which may be a pro for some women), but the product gets Purolatored to your door and 6 years later you have your own violin prodigy. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s how it works.

Speaking on behalf of men everywhere, I’d like to say that I’m terribly upset by this trend. I’d like to, but I can’t. I think it’s a great deal that will work out for everybody involved. Guys like the sex stuff, and to finally not have to worry about pregnancy would be… well, a new experience. And considering that I have a mother and grandmother who have given me verbal permission to have children out of wedlock (they’re tired of waiting, too) the stars could not be more perfectly aligned.

SO! If you’re an aspiring SMOP, let me make my case.

• I’m tall, fit, with low cholesterol despite years of bacon and mayonnaise abuse.
• I scored 165 on an online IQ test and 71% on a 1980’s pop culture quiz.
• I have a car. With a backseat.
• I got a three year Computer Science degree in only four years.
• I make a mean candlelight dinner to get you in the mood. And breakfast ain’t bad either, but don’t feel you have to stick around.

When you are ready to apply for my services, please send me a photograph and peak ovulating times via email. Naturally, you will incur travel and other expenses, but compared to the cost of adoption fees, I can provide much more bang for your buck.

What’s that you say? A hero? No, I’m not a hero. I’m just a man. Just a man who’ll go to great lengths… ahem… (cough, cough)… for his country.